Angel on the Wing

Even though I willed it not to happen, it inevitably did. I awoke in the middle of the night and prayed that it would go away. Lord, I can't take it anymore. Please help me. Words that I'd uttered a million times before, but spoken with more conviction this time. I was at the end of my rope... and I didn't want to go through the next 24 hours feeling this way. I didn't know how I would accomplish the task before me.. this thing that had my life turned upside down. What is the culprit, you ask? It is an all-consuming, terrifying, paralyzing fear of flying. And I was leaving for my vacation in 8 hours and didn't know how I was going to make it.

I'm sure several of you would just poo-poo me and say, oh please. Is that all you are scared of? It's not that I was scared, but I was gripped with a terror that something was going to happen to me and that I would not make it back. I wasn't always like this. I started flying as a child with my family and always loved the adventure..never once thought of the danger. It was only a few short years ago that my happy-go-lucky attitude towards flying changed. I don't know if it was Sept. 11 or if it was getting married and having a family that triggered it... but whatever it was, it paralyzed me.

I'm sure you've seen people like me on airplanes. I'm the one gripping my husband's arm for dear life, moving my lips in earnest praying during take-off, during the entire ascent and not releasing my death grip until we are in "smooth" air and the pilot assures me that it is now safe to unbuckle my seatbelt and to breathe again. My family jokes about it with me and anyone unfortunate enough to be traveling with me gets to see me in all my glory. My father-in-law once traveled with me and Chris and he saw a side of me that he didn't know existed. It's a side of me that I hate... a side that I had finally decided to give completely over to God because this fear...this terror.. is not of God and it needed to be handed over.

The night before I left for Florida, I knew I would have my panic attack. I expressed my concerns to my husband who lovingly assured me that all would be fine. I fell into a restless sleep only to awake at 2:30 am. The panic and fear returned with a vengeance and I just started praying for the next hour. I cried out to the Lord and told him that I wasn't going to let this dictate my life anymore. I proclaimed that I was a child of the Lord and that his protection would go with me and that there was nothing to fear. I had a breakthrough during that hour and I was able to go back to sleep after my long talk with God.

The next day, although I was physically exhausted from being up half the night, I was calm, cool and collected. I did not fear... I did not panic and I did not cling onto Christopher for dear life during take off or landing. It was as though I could almost see the long white gowns of the angels on the wing. That's how secure I felt. That's how it feels when you surrender your fears to God - you can almost see him walking beside you, helping you along the way.

Fears are real. Panic attacks are real. I've experienced them both but I'm thrilled to testify that God cares about our fears and can replace fear with peace. Psalm 56:3 "When I am afraid, I will trust in you."